Goal Setting When Life Is Unsimple

It’s that time of year … post festive season, post the fervent build up to Christmas, post over indulgence and post putting our ‘real life’ on hold in general. It’s also that time of year where we have made new year’s resolutions and they are, for many people starting to unravel, even the tiniest bit.

Most New Years Resolutions Fail

As someone who helps people set goals for every aspect of their life, I have always been suspicious of the new year resolution tradition. So, I did a bit of digging and discovered one study, involving 3,000 people, showed that 88% of those who set New Year resolutions – fail! (1)
What???!!
Every year, this tradition is practiced, by people in the West and East, and only 12% succeed.
Why???!!
We usually blame ourselves, our lack of will power, lack of persistence, lack of self care …lack of…
What if I told you there are many other reason’s we fail to achieve our new year resolutions (and goals in general)?

According to a 2014 report (2), of participants who failed their New Year Resolutions, 35% had unrealistic goals; 33% did not keep track of their goals; 23% simply forgot about them; and 1 in 10 respondents claimed they made too many resolutions.

These results are consistent with common reasons people fail to achieve their goals. But they still do not explain WHY this happens.

Why do New year Resolutions Fail

When we set new year resolutions, they are generally a firm decision to do or not to do something.
So what happens?

You’ll be pleased to hear we can (mostly) blame it on the brain.

Many people rely on will power to achieve goals. And while a little ‘elbow grease’ is needed, it isn’t sustainable in the long term and is certainly not helpful when you have other more pressing needs for your prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain responsible for memory, concentration and solving abstract problems). Resolution is a “quality” of being determined or resolute. It is a “decision” to do or not to do something. So when the same part of your brain that needs to use this will power has other more pressing things to do, the will power or determination goes out the window.

We can also blame it on the Happiness Trap

Failure can also come from the Happiness Trap. Our society tends to promote the need to improve, develop, change or modify ourselves or our life in some way in order to achieve happiness. This is a fallacy. This mentality only leads to the happiness trap. That’s where we believe we “will only be able to relax/be happy/ feel good about ourselves” etc when we have achieved “x/y/z”.

That’s crazy! It is living in the future and totally the opposite of living a mindful life

When we can be fully present, our life experiences become richer and more meaningful. This happens regardless of the pain and stress that is inevitably always there.

5 Steps to Successful Commitment in Goal Setting

1. Connect with values.

Prioritize what is most important. This means truly evaluating what you want, need and are expected to do in life. In your heart of hearts what do you truly want? What would make a difference for you now in your life?

Follow your heart. What do you want your life to be about? Who are you? Who are you becoming? This means setting long term (the next 5-10 years), short term (this year) and present goals (days and weeks)

2. Be smart with your heart

Set SMART goals. These are specific, motivated and meaningful, adaptable, realistic and timely.

• SPECIFIC means identifying what actions you’ll do to achieve your goal.
• MOTIVATED by your values rather than rules of things you must, should or have to do.
• ADAPTABLE aka. wise; is it likely to improve your life?
• REALISTIC for the resources you have available (time, money, energy, social support, skills).
• TIMELY specify the day, date, time—as accurately as possible—that you will take the proposed actions.

“The latest neuroscience research suggests spreading resolutions out over time is the best approach.” (1)

3. Create an attitude of commitment

Goal setting can sometimes bring with it the pressure of a future prediction of perfection. If we switch goal setting to goal commitment a subtle shift in focus allows for greater success. Commitment is not a promise or prediction of success. It is simply a commitment to moving toward a valued direction in life regardless of the barriers. Making room for the road blocks you will endure on the way helps to navigate your way past failures. Expect to fail. This is normal and will happen again and again. An attitude of commitment understands this and enables you to continue, not turn away from it.

Road blocks on the middle path include – uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, sensations and urges that arise. They inevitably will be there and usually reappear or amplify when commit to action something that is important to us.

Occupational therapists at Next wave Therapy can help you with goal setting by navigating these road blocks. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a more specific type of therapy we use to help when road blocks are more serious. These include negative, intrusive or self harming thoughts; feelings such as anxiety, panic or low self confidence; and sensations like pain.

4. Walk the Middle Path

Be open to change; it is inevitable.
Open your heart-mind to seeing things from different angles. There are many layers to truth.
Avoid black & white “all or nothing” thinking. There are many grey areas.
The middle path is a delicate balance between acceptance and change. It requires both.

5. Make goal setting aligned with Life Cycles

We cycle through five elements or seasons each year. Earth in late summer, Metal in Autumn, Water in Winter, Wood in Spring and Fire in Summer. Each cycle has its own resonance and recommended way of being and living.

Mastering SMART Goal Setting when life is Unsimple

When life is unsimple, it’s helpful to aspire for goal setting that helps you walk the middle path.

Write down all the things that people do everyday that you find challenging, the big and the small, the essential and menial, the meaningful and mundane ~ all this adds up to an unsimple life!

Reflect!

What is most important to you at present?

Choose up to 5 things you want, need or are expected to do that will bring you joy. It may only be one, two or three things. These become your ungoals for an unsimple life.

I call it an “ungoal” because it is a goal to live life as it is now. ‘Un‘ means lacking., but there is nothing lacking in walking the middle path.

Walking the middle path means not striving to change but enjoy. Not adding or taking anything away but appreciating what is. The amazing thing that happens on the middle path is that change happens as a byproduct.

Un also means one. One path. No distractions. One commitment. No excessive goals. One life. No day dreaming. One. Won!

Walking the middle path is a journey full of rich and meaningful experiences.

Please reach out to if you want help walking the middle path?

It means creating change through values guided commitment not through will power and resolution.

Happy New Year!

 

Copyright Next Wave Therapy (2021) Written by Sasha Wray Occupational Therapist & Naturopath

 Creating change for meaningful living is the core of what Sasha does to help people live well despite mental health concerns, chronic pain &/or fatigue.

References

1.  Lehrer, Jonah (December 26, 2009);Blame It on the Brain;. The Wall Street Journal. ISSN 0099-9660.